Here I Am

Today, I am off of it.  Adrift.  Wandering around my life a bit.  I’m almost like Snoop if you replace “money” with “future”.  (This is the turn-your-headphones-down song with the lyric to which I refer.  And, yes, I just went a little old school.  And, no, gin and juice is NEVER a good idea.)  As problems go, I don’t really have any.  Or, if I do, they’re squarely first-world.  (Actually, according to my dear friend and best confidant, cousin V, I have Jay-Z problems.  She exaggerates, though.)


I just have stuff rattling around the bean that I am trying to figure out.  I have a roof over my head, plenty of food, access to healthcare, hobbies that make me happy/peaceful, a tremendous family/friend set, pets that mitigate their burdensomeness with their supreme cuteness … I’m just trying to say that I’m not complaining here.  I am just worried here.  Worried about the future right now and the one a little ways off.

1) Met with a financial advisor last week and it looks like the best thing I could do with my current amount of 401(k) savings is to buy a big, top-of-the-line luxury car … so I can live in that thing when I retire!  Apparently, by the time I retire, I’ll need $1.2 million dollars (at least) in my retirement account in order to live an okay life.  I don’t know about you, but I think that’s HILARIOUS!  And, just to be clear, by HILARIOUS, I mean terrifying the shizz out of me.

2) Moving to a new place.  Not sure even where (or what city!), but I gotta’ get out of my tiny saving-money-for-traveling apartment and into a place that I don’t have to fix up myself … or, if I do, that I own, so I get something out of the bargain and have a place that’s all mine in 15 years or so. (See above re: retirement.  Long lost rich relatives at death’s door?  Hello? Now would be a great time to come out of the woodwork reconnect via a mention in the old will.)

3)  Everyone.  It’s hard work trying to keep everyone happy, because it sometimes comes at the expense of my own peace.  It’s taken a toll on my mind and body this last little while.  I wish I didn’t feel guilty for doing stuff just for me, or just because I wanted to.  Thanks, heart.  I hate you sometimes.

4)  Change.  It comes and comes and comes, even when I don’t wanna, not gonna, can’t stand it, there it is.

So, yes, lots of stuff rattling around the bean right now.  This post has been a helpful release of some of it.  I do think that maybe I need a walk.  Sometimes, the best thing to do is walk.  When I need to think things through, there’s nothing like a good, long, quiet walk to set me right.  If there were a way to teleport myself to the Camino right this minute, I’d be on a trail solving all kinds of conundrums (conundri?  conundrae?  Too lazy to look that up on!)  But, it’s late.  It’s dark.  I’m in Chicago a million miles away from the Camino.  So, I think I’ll write one more deck for work.  I think I’ll let RJ sleep for a bit while I do that.  Then, I think I will, lateness, darkness, Chicagoness be damned, bundle us up and take a stroll around the neighborhood at night.


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