Here’s an Idea

I really want to get on one of the Ellen DeGeneres  Show’s “good people who need a boost” segments. I drop hints about it to my fam and friends all the time, but suspect that their efforts to get me on What Not to Wear have been enough for them. (Still rocking some of those outfits, 5 years later. Quality!)

I absolutely without sarcasm love everyone of those segments though, and Ellen, because she literally saved my life several years ago. I used the promise of her show to motivate me to take a late lunch and go to the gym everyday at work because she is happy and enjoys making others happy, and in turn, made my 45 on the elliptical bearable. Had I not been doing it, my cold that turned into a pulmonary embolism might have killed me. Seriously. I gotta shake her hand one day for that.  (Click here to make that dream come true.)

But the thing is, I am not in need, as such, and just could use some help and/or a kind word to keep it going. I am happy to send you pic of Russell Jenkins and his ghost eye and testicle-leg:

walkmebitch
Russell Jenkins. You can see the ghost eye and those jacked up teeth. You can’t see the testicle leg. Trust me that it’s disturbing.

 

Eli biting my hand when I try to pet her: (No picture of Eli available as she is a vampire cat and does not show up on film.)

Or, drool stains and splatter that dot my walls like a Jackson Pollock without the artistry from Peanutbutter Jones:

This is why ...
Peanutbutter Three-legged Jones. He looks sleepy, but that is a ruse to get you to avert your eyes so he can f-up everything you own.

None of these weirdos would have had a chance at life had I not opened my big and generous heart to them.  I am a hero! (You can use that in the application if you like.)

Or, I can regale you with tales of days spent in the airport, my bad travel juju that was once an office joke, officially cemented by lost luggage (3x) and emergency Target outfits over the last two months. It’s heart-breaking. I know you hurt for me, too, especially if you’ve seen some of the random stuff I had to put on my body on the fly.  If that struggle doesn’t deserve some recognition … I mean …

Oh! I even have some emails that’ll knock your socks off at the poor, poor treatment I suffer on the daily. The lack of spell-check alone is enough to make a weaker woman give up.(See previous, re: hero)

And, as if that weren’t enough, I have had the experience — every day for the past four — of seeing people who look like me being shot dead for doing stuff that people who don’t look like me do with abandon, freely and live to tell the tale. And, the worst of it is, it’s not just me feeling (insert all the feeling words you have here, because I can’t). It’s everyone in my family, most of my friends and a lot of people I don’t know beyond liking their puppy pictures on social media who are feeling (insert same feeling words from before here.) So, there’s that.

Has Mercury been in retrograde for the last two years?  Did I wake up in an alternate reality a while back and just starts to realize it now?  Is time travel possible?  And whom to turn to — Ellen aside — for a boost to get through this morass. I’m taking all comers. I will pay you back in spirit, or with hand-knit socks. Your call. Looking for the good side. #worried #sadlittlefriday

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