TV Life Lessons

How can you screw up a life this bad and not know how you did it? — King of Queens

What a day … I know I said there’d be no complaining during Lent, so I’ll just call this a commentary. And, it goes like this: ARGH!

February 11, 2005

So, stupid. Could not remember my password, hence my absence. It came to me in a dream last night. Here’s all I can manage right now:

*Updated Chicken Bone Count*

– Seen: 61 (for a four and a half day period, covering the area between 114th street to the south, 125th street to the north, and between 5th Avenue to the east and 8th Avenue to the West)
– Eaten: Who’s to say? I’ll estimate less than 10 … let’s say 8
– Attempts at Eating: Um … 61 (roughly 53 spit out, and approximately 8 successful)
– If Chicken Bones Were Dollars, My Net Worth To Date: $235.00
Note that that’s money I really could use, by the way. New York, as my friend Erica so aptly put it, is a place that makes you covet everything. As much as coveting thy neighbor’s whatever is wrong, and as much as I am aware, particularly during the Lenten Season, of the importance of sacrifice, I just wish I had that $235.00 is all.

February 8, 2005

Re: Darius de Haas — there WAS, in fact, a review in the NYTimes! A big deal, excellent review. See it at:

Today is Ash Wednesday Eve. I’m planning my “giving up” items right now. So far, they include wine, meat, not exercising and complaining. You can see how the first will make the last one hard to do!

Mouse Count:

– Seen: 0

– Dead: 3

Chicken Bone Count:

– Seen: 26 (includes Sunday and Monday)

– Eaten: 6 before I could stop Lou

– Attempts at Eating: 11 (5 spit out, six successful)

– If Chicken Bones Were Dollars, My Net Worth To Date: $174.00

Number of Times People Asked Me What Kind of Dog Louis Is:

– 2 Total (includes Sunday and Monday)

– 1 Proposed an Akita

– 1 Proposed Pluto …

Bad Things About Pulic Transportation Today:

– (See above re: no complaining during lent)

February 5, 2005

*Morning Walk Update*

Louis and I got up extra early this morning to check out what purported to be a yoga center on Adam Clayton Powell & 8th Avenue. Not true. There’s a big blue neon sign with a person in the lotus position, and the word YOGA in yellow neon, but no entrance that I can find. At least it was a nice day — we walked for an hour around the neighborhood. This brings me to the new category of daily counting: Number of Times People Asked Me What Kind of Dog Louis Is. See below for the exciting details … and, bonus, additional exciting details about chicken bones on the morning walk.

Chicken Bone Count:

– Seen: 13 from Lenox to 8th and 117th to 125th

– Eaten: 3 before I could stop Lou

– Attempts at Eating: 6 (3 spit out, 3 successful)

– If Chicken Bones Were Dollars, My Net Worth To Date: $161.00

Number of Times People Asked Me What Kind of Dog Louis Is:

– 5 Total (4 adults, 1 child)

– 3 Proposed a Husky; 1 of these did not believe me when I said no, and is still convinced Lou’s a Husky

– 1 Proposed a Wolf, but this person was a little bit drunk

– 1 (Child) Proposed a Fox. I did not deny this.

My New Venture

Uptown Hound, LLC. Opening March 15, 2005! We provide dog walking, pet sitting, and pet transport services in the Uptown area of Manhattan (96th Street and above), with photo emails of our walkers in action, the ability to “choose your route”, and one servicer for your pet, to provide you with consistency and the ability to contact your walker through email or phone as you see fit. We’re there for your pet when you can’t be.

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Visit our site soon for more information:

February 4, 2005

Today is the first day of the olive blog! Friday, February 4, 2005. And, nothing happened. Nothing ever happens, except for my relentless hunt of the fuzzy brown horde (TFBH. Read: mice in my apartment), the relentless pursuit of a career (TRPC), and the relentless thwarting of my dog Louis’ attempts to eat chicken bones on the streets of Harlem (hereinafter, TRTOCBE [the relenteness thwarting of chicken bone eating]).

I was supposed to go see Darius DeHaas perform at Lincoln Center tonight (, but had no one to go with. I bought the tickets ($51.00 wasted) and everything, and was planning on dolling myself up and going alone, but then I came home and had a glass of wine, and then Law & Order was on TNT, and it was one I had never seen before, and then the mouse came out and I had to spend 15 minutes with broom in hand waiting to try to smash it when it came out from under the stove, and by then, it was 10:00pm. The show started at 9:30pm. Next time. I’m sure it was great — he was featured in the New Yorker “Goings on About Town” section (, and I’m hoping there’s a glowing review in the NYTimes, because I’m all about success by association.

Mouse Count:

– Seen: 1

– Dead: 3

Chicken Bone Count:

– Seen: 8 on 120th Street between 7th and St. Nicholas

– Eaten: 1 before I could stop Lou

– Attempts at Eating: 3 (2 spit out, one successful)

– If Chicken Bones Were Dollars, My Net Worth To Date: $148.00

Good Things About Public Transportation Today:

– Sat next to a nice lady on the M2 home. Didn’t want to squish her coat, shared disdain for bulkiness of winter garb.

Bad Things About Pulic Transportation Today:

– Mean lady at 86th who tried to cut in front of another lady, was thwarted, and proceeded to make a nasty, threatening face at the non-cuttee when she got on the bus. I wanted to punch her in the face, and it wasn’t even my path she tried to cut off. Privilege. Bad.

Good Things About South Beach Diet Today:

– Mixed Green salad with bleu cheese and walnuts from Pax for lunch

– Drank 2 20oz. bottles of water

– Took Lou on 2 extra-long walks this evening

Bad Things About South Beach Diet Today:

– Drank 2 glasses of wine (BIG glasses)

– Should have had 4 20oz. bottles of water

– Did neither Tae Bo nor Yoga, owing to the 2 BIG glasses of wine

Good Things About Having a Dog Today:

– Welcome home greeting

– Need for belly-scratching interrupting my work

Bad Things About Having a Dog Todoay:

– Chicken bones littering my block

– Hair

Excellet Links




Good Dog: